Random Ramblings Of A Self-Confessed Over-Thinker

Stand Strong.

I need to smile through the pain. Need to laugh when I want to cry. I need to stand strong through all the problems I am having with my boyfriend right now… I can’t let things get to me. I need to stop freaking out. I need to stop worrying. I need to lift my self up off the ground, and stand tall and strong.

Jesse keeps telling me that he hates my doubts and my worries… but he hasn’t given me the chance to figure out how to keep myself from worrying. Or at least, to not show that I am worrying about something. Give me the chance and things will change.

But if he leaves me, maybe its for the best? Who knows. Things have been rocky this whole week… and I am just hoping that this isn’t the beginning of the end… I want at least Sunday with him this week. I don’t care about any other day. I just want Sunday. He told me he would come meet my dad and sister. I hope that he still will… I will have to wait till he actually texts me to find out. I don’t want things to be over… I may try to get him to come over tomorrow if I can. Tell him that I won’t keep him long. That I just wanna talk, just to get it over with. Just to finally say what I need to say. But he isn’t one to make plans in advanced. So I am waiting till tomorrow to request his presence…

All I really want to say to him is that I love him. And that I am not ready to let go… Tell him that it may not seem like it to him, but I am working every day to change what I feel I need to change about myself. And every day I am learning more and more what I need to do to be happy. That it’s not gonna happen over night…. But that if he really truly loves me, he will be patient until I figure it out…

I wanna tell him about Tony. And what happened with that relationship. Retell him about Charlie, and that relationship.

I wanna remind him that I am through letting my past get in the way of me and him. That he has not given me any reason not to trust him. So I simply trust him. I just need to put on a smile, and stand strong through it all… No matter what happens. Smile. Show the world that a little more heartbreak isn’t gonna bring me down.

But I also want him to know that I am here for him, whenever he needs me. That I will love him with every beat of my heart for as long as he lets me.

There is just so much I need to say… and I hope that he will give me the chance to say it all. and soon. because if I have to wait any longer, imma go bug him early Saturday while he is at the bar. I don’t want all this eating away at me because I haven’t said any of it yet… Its all stuff I want him to know… All stuff he needs to hear.

I need to pray. Need to stand strong.

New Love. :)

I believe I have finally found a decent man. Things are not perfect with him, but I am happier than I have been in at least 6 months. Between things that happened with Charlie and Phil, I am glad to have a good man like Jesse in my life.

So here of the story.

I met Jesse about a year ago, when I was living with mutual friends of ours. At the time I was still dating Charlie, and he wasnt exactly my type. After Charlie and I broke up, I added him on Facebook. At that time I was talking to Phil.. Things were rocky, and when I was having a really rough time, Jesse was there to talk to me and did what he could to help. Soon we were telling daily. He texted me every morning and all throughout the day, even though I was with Phil at the time.

Even when Phil was here for my birthday, I still talked to Jesse everyday. I saw him the night before my birthday, when Phil was driving down from Connecticut.

The day after my birthday, I was upset with Phil, and the fact my mom wasn’t responding to my texts about going out that night. So I went out to the bar, where Jesse was bartending, to see him. I waited there till he got off then decided I needed a nap. He walked me out to my car, and before I got in the car, we hugged then I reached up and kissed him. I didn’t care about Phil. I didn’t care about anything. Bc here was a man, that makes me smile and actually wants to be around me and make me smile. After I got home, and my roommate left for the night, I decided I didn’t wanna be home alone. So, I texted him and asked him about going to a movie. And thus, our first date happened. December 30, 2011.

On New Years Eve, I was torn. Trying so hard not to make too much contact with Jesse in front of Phil.

Phil practically ignored me for most the night. So it was rough.

But we did share one or two small kisses that night. That I won’t deny.

About a week later, when Phil was back home, was the first time I had spent the night at his house. It was the same weekend I met his aunts, uncles, and cousins. Or some of them.

January 7, 2012. That was the day I first referred to myself as his girlfriend.

We were damn near inseparable after that. I was at his place every weekend. Then, one weekend, things went wrong. We fought. And I lost him. For 4 days. But by the weekend, things were better. But I wasnt with him. And that crushed me. It was a hard time.

February 3, 2012. He said the most amazing thing he could ever say. He said, “since I can give what this kind of surprise deserves, I’m gonna give you my surprise.” And I gave him this questioning look and he said, “Plan out when I’m gonna meet your mom.” I was sooo happy when he said that because I had told him that I wanted him to meet my mom but not if he wasn’t my boyfriend. So that meant he wants to be with me.

Now, Jesse and I have had some tough times bc of him still living his ex… But I can tell he wants to move on and love me the way I deserve.

In a couple weeks, it will be 2 months that we have been together. And I know I am hoping for this to continue for years and years. But I can’t help but expect the worst. Who knows if we will be together in a week.

I love him and everyday I fall more in love with him. He makes me happy, and I’m glad to have such a wonderful man in my life :)

Jesse Lee Newman. I love this man. More than I can even put into words :) <3

Unexpected.

How fast are we moving?

I cannot tell.

When I am with you,

Time seems to slow.

Where are we going?

I do not know.

When I look at you,

I get lost in your eyes.

I never saw it coming.

Never thought we would be here.

When I first met you,

You were just another person.

But now,

You have swooped in and stolen my heart.

You crashed through every wall

And silenced every fear.

With a kiss,

A touch,

A whisper,

A warm embrace,

Time slows.

The world disappears.

And all that’s left

Is me and you.

Nothing else matters.

And though times get rough,

And mistakes get made,

I will stand by you,

Hold your hand,

Through the pleasure and pain.

On The Verge.

It’s only been about a month and a half since Charlie and I broke up. Yet, I’m not sad about it. Probably because I know it was for the best. Or because I didn’t really care. I think about it, and the more I think about it, the more I think that I stopped caring what happened. That towards the end of things, Charlie and I were nothing more than just friends. That we were just really good at living together. I think its been that way for a while. Which is probably what makes this so easy. I haven’t cried over him since we officially broke up for good. The day it happened was the last and only time I cried about it.

Yeah, I definitely know it was the best for the both of us. I feel like we are both happier now. I, for one, am definitely happier now than I have been in while. So that is a really good thing.

And honestly, I have quite a bit to be happy about. I mean, I am living with my best friend, and things are going great :) Then on top of that, I am talking to this really amazing guy.

Oh! This guy. He can make me smile and he doesn’t even have to try! This guy alone, makes me sooo happy. And sometimes I don’t even know why.

I can’t say that I love him…. I definitely can NOT say that. But I most definitely like him. And he likes me. Which I honestly can’t believe, but I can see it. So that’s good :)

I don’t really wanna talk much about what we have talked about. But I really am happy when I talk to him :) And the fact that he likes making me happy, that just makes it so much better.

I can only remain hopeful. :) He makes me happy, and I really don’t want that to stop.

A Letter to Heaven’s New Angel

Dear Grandpa,

I want to start off by saying that I am sorry that I didn’t take the time to come and see you before you passed away. I love you sooo much! And I miss you sooo much! You always had a smile on your face and your presence alone put a smile on everyone’s face. You were such a great man! And I just want you to know that I will never forget you! 

I keep thinking about how I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. And it kills me that I couldn’t see you one last time before you passed. But then I remember that you are with God. And that you will always be looking over us from Heaven. I know that when I close my eyes at night, you will be there in my dreams, ready to crack a joke and make me smile. That was your specialty. Making people laugh and smile.

I just found out recently that you were in the Navy, and that you fought for us and our country. I never knew that before. But then I guess I never took the time to ask. I wish I would have taken the time to get to know you better before you passed.

I will never forget you, Grandpa, or the way you used to call me Katie-Did.

Such a great man is now one of Heaven’s greatest angels. All I can do now is thank God because I know your not suffering anymore. You are in no pain. And I know you are watching over all your loved ones. Especially all your loving grandchildren and your great grandchild. I am sure you are up there now hanging out with Jesus, and chasing all the little angels up there around with your finger ready to tickle them, and cracking a joke every chance you get.

I will miss you tons, Grandpa!

Rest In Peace!

<3 <3 Love,

Kaytee

The Men.

So. I wanna take some time to talk about the men in my life. Well. The important ones anyways. :)

First off, the most important man I need to mention is my daddy. I love my daddy! He has always been there for. Well, he used to always be there for me. I have been through a lot with my dad. But I will always love him. Nothing in the world will ever change that. No matter what happens between us, I know we will always love each other. :) and believe me when have been through some pretty hellacious shit… But he is still my daddy and I am still his little girl :)

Next man on my list, My best friend. Charlie. Yes that”s right. My ex boyfriend is my best friend. I know more about the kid than alot of people do. We were together for two years. Do you really expect me to not know him like the back of my hand? But I love him to death! I would do anything for him! I honestly would! I wish I could do more to help him out and get him on his feet, but there is only so much I can do. He is seriously the peanut butter to my jelly :) He is an awesome best friend. An awesome person in general. Whoever he marries will be a lucky woman. :)

Then there is Jake. He is like a little brother to me! I have seriously known the kid since he was in Kindergarten. So that is kinda a big deal. He has always been there for me! I have always been able to count on him when I need someone to talk to. :) after 16 years of friendship, its great to say that I still have one childhood friend. Its just too bad that he lives in Florida because there are times when I just wanna see him so he can give me a hug. Mostly when I need cheered up. I love the kid to death! I would prolly kill a bitch for him…. Well, prolly not because I am not into going to prison… Plus, I’m not really a violent person. But anyways. Yeah. I went practically insane when he was locked up because I was only able to write to him on Myspace. I was greatful when he got out and got a facebook! I talk to him whenever I get the chance now :) <3

The next two guys are both guys that are in my life right now, and I have a crush on both of them. Thankfully, as far as I know, neither of them are on Tumblr, so I don’t really have to worry about them seeing this post. :) but anyways.

First, lets talk about Kenne. I have known Kenne for about 2 years now. I met him through my friend, Kimmy, who used to be one of his roommates. From the minute I met him, I thought he was cute. He is still cute :) 6 foot something. dark curly hair. Bluish green eyes. cute. great sense of humor. :) He is always able to make me laugh no matter how I am feeling which is a good thing! And I absolutely LOVE his hugs!! Aside from Jake, Kenne gives the BEST hugs EVER!!! :) And that is what I like in a man :D The only thing is though. That I don’t know how he feels about me. Maybe I will just ask him like he did with me lol.

But Anyways…. I don’t have much time. So onto the next guy. Last but definitely not least. Graeme.

When I was first introduced to him I thought is name was Graham. nope. definitely Graeme. :) I have only known him for about a couple weeks… but I really like him. He is cute, funny, smart. This is a guy that can teach me stuff. I am really excited to be friends with him. :) I need a friend like him!

Now I wanna make this clear. Just because I like a couple of guys does not mean I want a relationship, or that I am expecting a relationship to come of our friendship… because I’m not. I’m not even ready to be in another relationship yet. It will be a while. And even when I am ready, I am gonna wanna take it slow. Really get to know the guy and everything.

But Yeah. I really just wanted to talk about them all for a little bit. More to just kill time while I was waiting on my pizza to finish cooking. :) hhahahaha

So now that my pizza is ready to be eaten. I will bid you all ado! Adios! Goodnight! :)

Dentists.

Poke.

Prod.

Poke.

Poke.

Jab.

Jab.

Poke.

Spit.

Poke.

Poke.

Jab.

Jab.

Jab.

Spit.

Yepp. That’s what I got today at the dentists. Just a simple cleaning that, seemed to me like, they took it to a whole new level. Scraping my teeth, and jabbing my gums. “Stirring up the bacteria” is one of the terms the lady used.

And this was all after they completely ass raped me with the bill. So I got ass raped and then I got the foreplay…. Kinda backwards but whatever.

$222 «—- That was my dentist bill today. I was like are you fucking serious. -__- Because I totally only had $249 in the bank v_v So that put a damper on my day.

I don’t get why they charge so much anyway. Like really? Does this stuff really need to be so expensive that the American’s out there that are making below minimum wage, with no benefits at all, can’t afford them? I mean. I’m sure there are alot of people out there like that, that need to get braces, or have their teeth cleaned, or need a root canal, or any oral procedure, that can’t afford them because they don’t make enough and they don’t have dental insurance…

I wish there was something I could do for people like that. I think that a bunch of dentists and oral practioners should get together and form a free dental clinic for the people that don’t have dental insurance but that need a tooth pulled, or their wisdom teeth taken out. Nothing like fillings or braces. But the things that could be worked on for people that have a bothersome tooth or something.

I mean they have stuff like that for regular medical things. Why can’t they have something like that for dentistry? 

And OHH MYY GEEZ! The dentist I am going to fricking annoys the hell out of me. Like he is getting paid to be annoying. He sounds gay, which I DO NOT have a problem with, but the way he says somethings just gets under my skin….

Hopefully when I go back I won’t get completely ass raped again. -__-